According to my studies, Inspector Gadget is Jack Bauer’s retarded, half, part machine, brother. I haven’t been conducting this study for several years, months, or even days. I thought of it while I was walking to the bathroom. Also, there was actually no studying involved. And you may ask yourself, “well…how did I get here?” I would immediately ask you to stop quoting the Talking Heads because, this is an entry about Jack Bauer’s and Inspector Gadget’s blood relation.
Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I present to you: Bauer and Gadget; Same Ma, different Pa.
- CTU & MCPD
Much like the Hanson Brothers from the movie SLAPSHOT, whom share a common love for hockey, brothers, Bauer and Gadget share a common love: law enforcement. Yes, I know this is a weak point. Just because they are both special agents for the law doesn’t mean they are brothers. If you would allow me to stop interrupting myself, I will present more evidence.
- Dr. Claw and Other Terrorist
Inspector Gadget and Jack aren’t your normal, everyday, pull-over-this-guy-for-speeding cops. They are saviors of the civilized world. They deal with the baddest of the bad-asses. Dr. Claw has 3 goals in life: 1. Kill Gadget. 2. Take over the world. 3. Kill Gadget, again. Doesn’t that sound very similar to season one of 24?! Jack’s family was kidnapped just because an accented Dennis Hopper had a vendetta against Jack — He was pissed that Jack killed him. I say stop bitchin’, he must have not killed you good enough. Mr. Hopper was using Jack’s family to lure him into his evil dockside lair so he could kill him. Guess what, Jack didn’t die, not even for a second. Jack is almost immortal, Gadget is half robot; they can’t be stopped.
- In and Out Like Sauerkraut
No hideout, base, compound, house, prison, or villainous complex is too difficult for Gadget or Bauer to infiltrate. Whether Bauer drives a van through the building or Gadget accidentally wonders into the place. No matter what the situation is, they get in and handle they biz.
- Happy Boss Day
Although, I would argue both are unbossable, bossless, they receive orders from someone. In season two of 24, George Mason gave Jack orders, sort of. And Gadget’s Boss, Chief Quimby, shows up at the beginning of every episode to give the Inspector “suggestions” for what he should do that episode. But because Gadget and Bauer hate being bossed around so much, they just kill those who boss them. Again, in season two, Jack was so pissed that Mason was telling him what to do, Jack placed George in a nuclear laden plane and told him to crash it into the ground. BALLIN! Inspector Gadget loathed Quimby like no other, Gadget blew him up every show, just because he wanted to, with the “self-destructing” message.
- Failure to Abort
Even though they are not fit to raise kids in this crazy world because they are too involved with their careers, they both have daughters. Kim and Penny. They are destine to be on an episode of Dr. Phil.
Dr. Phil (to Kim): Because of your father, you have been kidnapped several times, by the same people. Lost in the woods with Johnny Drama, and your mom died?
Kim (sobbing): Yes
Dr. Phil (to Penny): Your dad, he has a helicopter in his hat?
Penny (sobbing): Yes, well, it’s not really whole helicopter, just the propeller…
Dr. Phil: And he can fly with it?
Penny (sobbing harder): Yes
And they both have blond hair. You can’t deny genetics.
Please, do not take this study lightly. It is the most serious subject that I have ever been serious about. The facts I have present throughout this essay are facts, not fables or folklore, cold hard, tell-it-to-your-mama facts. If you can’t understand the logic I used to prove that Jack Bauer and Inspector Gadget came from the same womb, I would suggested calling the grade school you attended and ask if you can come back.